Even Now

It’s been 108 days since the life that I knew and loved began to crumble.

108 days of walking in the Wilderness, (sometimes) literally watching dreams die.  The pain and shock have been so great they take my breath away.  I am forced to make choices I never dreamed I would have to make, and the only answer I’m able to gather the strength to give, is Yes.

Yes to His will, Yes to what is calling me to do, Yes to what is asking me to lay down.

Yes Lord.

When the facts of my husband’s infidelity are revealed.

When divorce is the only option I’m given.

When my home is boxed up and put in storage and I move in with my family.

When the pregnancy tests read positive and the reality is, I’m about to be a single mom parenting a child with the man who betrayed and abandoned me.

When the ultrasound revealed there was no heartbeat, no more life.

Yes Lord. Even now, yes.

Precious Father in heaven. Give me the strength to say yes to You, even now. Only You know why it was time to bring my baby home.

I thank You, Father, that I can rest in the knowledge that Baby J is safe in your arms. Please take care of her for me and hold her close, since I cannot.

And I thank You, that one day I will be with You and you will hold me close also, and answer every question.  I believe You will show me the vials where you have collected every tear I’ve cried and the books where You recorded every one of my prayers.  And then I will experience the sweetest joy of holding my baby’s hand and walking with her in the place where there is no sorrow.

Until that day, Almighty God, help me to say yes.

Jillian

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